From the Soul
by Betty BOKOR
Summary: SamDaniel. Sam needs someone to listen.
1. Chapter 1

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**Chapter 1**

It was Daniel who actually put the idea in my head. In all fairness, I should say, _back_ in my head. I had not thought about it for the longest time, at least not since he had died. I even replaced it for years with an unhealthy infatuation for my CO. I know, I know. Anyone could tell me_ that _was a mistake. I even saw it in my dad's eyes, when he talked to me about Pete while he was really talking about Jack. In spite of it all, he was willing to accept it, if it made me happy.

My mind had other plans. I had tried very hard to eradicate that idea from my conscious thoughts and, for the most part, I had succeeded, but there it was again, messing with my head.

He did it very innocently, as he always does, because he _is_ innocent. Regardless of the horrors he has been through, he still is pure in so many ways… and I am aware that the four, let's say _five,_ of us have been through horrible things, but the sum of it all for the rest of us does not even remotely compare to what _he_ has been through.

He did not even blink as he was pulling down my carefully built protection with one naïve question. "Samantha Carter, was there ever anything… between us?" No, no, no, no. I said it as fast as I could, that is, as fast as I recovered from the shock. For a second, I thought he had remembered my words from a year before, but, looking in his eyes, I saw that there was no recollection, just raw, uncensored feelings. That was the breaking point. Though he never, ever, brought it back after that day, if he had ever tried to deny it, I would have not believed him. I had caught that glimpse into his soul when his mind had not been ready yet to veil the truth with the patina of reason.

"Us? Um, no, no, not in that way. We were really, really good friends." I cannot prove it, but still today I feel that was a stab in the back, a betrayal, una traición. That is a word I learned from him, as so many other things that I have learned from him, such as giving without a second thought or offering it all for the right reasons. If only I were that brave.

The point is _the idea was back in my head_. That is all that matters, because that was what started it and I still have not found a way to stop it. I did well after he came back with us and struggled with his memory. The hardship of the negotiation in Kelowna helped me through his stint in Anubis' ship. Then we almost lost Jack. That weakened my defenses; I have to admit. The incident with the clone, John, as Daniel calls him, did wonders to further enhance my confusion. Should I say something about the fact that Daniel still keeps a close relationship with John? Not many people know. "He has Jack's feelings," he told me one day, " and until he finds better friends, I'm all he has." Like there is any chance in hell he will ever find a better friend than Daniel.

Soon after, Teal'c was seriously wounded and we put all our energies into helping him recover from his spinal injury. Not that he really has ever needed help, but we felt better playing that part, until Daniel topped us all by engineering the rescue of the two people Teal'c prized most in the universe, Ryac'c and Bra'tac. Torture notwithstanding, that definitely cured Teal's of all his ailments.

It was not long after that, when the transformation of my relationship with Daniel _as you all know it_ began. When we were sent to P2A-347, we were on a normal reconnaissance mission. We did not even worry too much after we found the crashed spaceship on its surface. It is true that some alarms went off when we understood that those hundreds of people were in cryogenic sleep, but nothing would have clued us in about what was about to happen. A dozen consciousnesses, a dozen souls, a dozen identities, took refuge in Daniel's body. It could not have been less, right? That would not have been as dramatic as at least a dozen was. Daniel took it in stride, as he always does, and his own consciousness protected itself, retreated into a coma-like state, and only emerged for a few seconds now and then. I do not mean that he was unaware of what had happened to him. Oh, he was aware _and_ it affected him more than that nail-in-the-head-type headache that he admitted to the Colonel. I saw it in his eyes, the same way that I had seen it in those eyes when he had been afraid of having lost his mind after Ma'chello's legacy infected him or, even earlier, when Ma'chello himself had taken his body for a holiday. He had been used; he had been _ab_used. His mind had been violated, as painfully and unfairly as when Hathor had raped his body. Why does it keep happening to him? What has he done to deserve so much hurt, over and over again?

I took him home with me that day. After Janet was done with all her tests and had poked him with every needle available, just adding insult to injury, I took him to my house. He did not complain or decline the invitation. He simply got into his car and followed me without a word after a simple nod of his head. I could not begin to fathom how he was feeling, but I knew he had many conflicting emotions. I am certain that he would have let the whole dozen stay in his body if we had given him the choice. He would have never risked their souls, even at the expense of his own. I am also convinced that he felt some kind of relief that the odyssey was over, but it was, without a doubt, a guilty relief, because he had not been able to offer a better solution. We still do not know today if all the twelve identities survived the last body exchange; we probably do not want to know.

All the way home, I kept reliving in my mind that other day. "Daniel, you can't die on me now." I have said that to him so many times, perhaps only once to his face, but I have whispered it so many times half way between prayers when I thought he would leave us again. I can remember a few just now: when he was almost killed in the Hadante prison, when he was barely alive after Amaunet attacked him with the ribbon device before Teal'c shot her, when he doubled in excruciating pain as an earthly, human, normal appendicitis struck him.

"It's nice to know that you don't just like me for my looks." Oh! If he only knew! If he could just have an inkling of what I feel for him!

Right before I went to retrieve Ma'chello's contraption that day, I kissed his forehead. I could not think of any other way to express what was consuming me without giving it away. He was still married to Sha're and he had been fiercely faithful to her, except on those occasions in which he had been forced against his will in one way or another. I had been allowed to hug him when he had come back from the dead after we thwarted Apophis' attack on Earth, but everybody had hugged him that day. Over the years, hugging Daniel has become an exercise in comfort. No matter who's hurting, a good hug with Daniel gives you hope that everything will be all right. After all, if _he_ is not dead again, nothing can be that wrong. But in those first years, we did not have that luxury. From the very beginning, after Sha're was lost and Daniel had nothing left, it was usually Jack who comforted him. It was also Jack who was there when Daniel started coming down from his Sarcophagus' high following Shyla's entrapment or after he allowed Nem to torture his mind in order to retrieve information about his dead wife.

I have lost the thread of my story again. I was talking about the day when Daniel became a sort of lifeboat for the bodiless souls of the Stromos. After we got home, I fixed a quick meal. He ate in silence and I dared not interrupt his mourning. Once we finished the meal, I started cleaning up and he helped me. I was emptying a plate in the trashcan when he approached me with the rest of the plates. I took them from his hands and I put them in the dishwasher. I turned around and he was still standing there, as if lost. He was not looking at me; he was not really looking at all. So I did it. Who knows what moved me? Who knows why I thought it could help him? I just wanted him to feel earthbound, to feel that he belonged here, to feel that we wanted him here.

I kissed him. I kissed him and he kissed me back. That shocked me more than the fact that I had just kissed my best friend, full in the lips, for no reason at all. What did not shock me was that we did not stop there. We softly, carefully, respectfully made love to each other that night. It was gentle and tender and so meaningful that I will never be able to compare it with any other experience of my life. It was quiet discovery and delicate exploration. When I finally allowed myself to fall asleep, after I had spent a long time simply listening to Daniel breathing rhythmically as he already slept, I felt sated and content and, more importantly, I felt Daniel had been anchored once again. Perhaps he would not leave us so easily next time.

When we both woke up the next morning, there was no awkwardness. There was no hope of repeating what we had shared either. We both knew what hung in the balance and we could not jeopardize it. He silently got up and took a brief shower. He came back, already dressed, and he kissed me on the forehead. As he was squatting by my side of the bed he said, "You have so much love in you, Sam. I'm grateful that you shared this much with me. God knows I needed to feel loved. Don't ever forget that I love you as much."

He stood up and he was gone in a second. We did not say anything else after that. We did not bring it up; we avoided thinking about it. I know I did.

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


	2. Chapter 2

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**Chapter 2**

A few weeks later Daniel dumbfounded everyone as he reached an agreement –a very favorable agreement for Earth– with the Unas. Even Colonel Edwards recognized his worth as the Unas agreed to mine the naquadah in their planet and then turn it over to the SGC.

Next I had to battle my own demons as I accompanied Warrick in the Loop of Kon Garat race. Daniel was there, waiting for me, when I came back with the unfair results. It was not a crisis of a magnitude enough to warrant anything more than a dinner together and, in order to avoid crossing the boundaries we had self imposed, we invited Teal's and the Colonel too, without even discussing it beforehand. I was proud that we were capable of such self-control.

Then, the whole Avenger incident took place and, for a while there, I held my breath, as Daniel remained trapped on that forsaken planet, about to be swallowed by the rising flood.

I have to confess now that on our following mission, when we met Ishta and her people, I was assaulted by inappropriate bouts of jealousy. Even today I feel some sort of annoyance when I think of Nesa, though my mind keeps reminding me that she was only a teenager and that Daniel would have never laid a hand on her. She just made me aware of how many women, of the right age, of course, are around us and that any of them could one day lay claim on him.

It was right about then when Daniel and Bill Lee left for Honduras in search of the Telchak device and disappeared. I was starting to get desperate when I had to leave for Tartarus with my father and Teal'c. Colonel O'Neill went in search of Daniel. The events on Anubis' planet did not give us a respite and I did not have much time to dwell on Daniel's situation. By the time we made it back, he had been rescued. He had been shot in the leg and tortured, but he was alive and that was all that mattered. As soon as we were left alone in the gateroom, Jack invited me to lunch, and that rekindled my infatuation with him. I will not deny that the special attention from my CO was utterly enjoyable.

We had lunch in the cafeteria and I was feeling weightless and content, when I walked by Daniel's office and I saw him. He had been writing his report and fatigue had won him over. He was sitting at his desk, with his head on his arms, on top of the desk. He seemed to be sleeping, but he also looked agitated. I went in carefully to avoid awakening him and I heard a few words he was mumbling. He kept repeating "No, no, no." He said it softly, in a whisper, but the tone was pained and hopeless. I looked over his head at the computer screen and read the section of his report that had already been typed. It talked about torture in ways I had not imagined anyone could think of inflicting suffering in another human being. What was he made off? How could he go through those experiences time after time and still be Daniel? I almost said "the same Daniel", but I know he is not the same man I met so many years ago. He has changed. He has become physically stronger and spiritually less innocent, but the strength of his soul is still the same.

I did not want him to relive that nightmare, so I gently woke him up. He blinked a couple of times and then stared at me, as if he could not understand why I was there. So I said it, just like that other time. "Let's go home."

This time we both knew that it was not the innocent invitation of the past. It was going to happen again and we both had to acknowledge it. He just got up, picked up his jacket, and hopped to the door trying to avoid more pain for his injured leg. I drove us both. I drove to his house, so that he could stay in bed in the morning. We had no preambles. As soon as the front door closed behind us, we faced each other and we kissed. It was not the journey of discovery of the first time. Daniel just let me do. He responded to every kiss; he responded to every stroke, but I felt that his soul was hanging from a thread, fragile and wounded. In the revealing light of the late afternoon, I followed the contour of every bruise with my fingertips and I kissed every angry mark left by the torturers. I felt, more than saw, tears running down his face more than once. Daniel just let me do.

In the aftermath, we lay spooned, in silence. Neither of us slept. I felt the power of Daniel's arms as he held me tight against his body. I sensed I was his anchor one more time and I was willing to do anything to keep him from drowning. Much later he got up, showered, and fixed dinner for us. After I took my own shower, I joined him in the kitchen. We talked for the first time since we had gotten there, but not about what had happened, not even about what had gone on in Honduras or Tartarus. We avoided those subjects very carefully and we talked about everything else, including Teal'c's kiss to Ishta on the stargate ramp that had left the Colonel dumbfounded for hours. And they say that Teal'c is shy. I know that the Colonel would have been far more thunderstruck if he knew what Daniel and I were doing, but _that_ he would never know.

That night Daniel gave me something back for every kiss, for every caress, for every touch I had given him in the afternoon. He had me consumed by such deep sensation that I do not think I was capable of anything other than reacting to his art. It felt like crossing the stargate for the first time all over again and visiting a place where I would never be allowed back, but whose memories would lighten up the rest of my days, if not haunt them. Just as Daniel must have felt after he left Abydos for the last time, after everything was lost.

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


	3. Chapter 3

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**Chapter 3**

Two weeks later, I was surprised when I woke up after the incident with Grace in the Prometheus and Daniel was not there. The Colonel was there and I felt content again. It was very comforting to have him all worried by my side, but, at the same time, what I had experienced in that ship had changed me. I was not willing anymore to wait forever for Jack's love. It had been reassuring over the years, but I needed something else. Something not even Daniel could give me, because what I wanted was a _normal_ life. A husband, children, a house, and all the comforts of modern life. Neither of them was willing to give up the significant fight for Galaxy's peace. I was bent on caring about my own peace those days.

Daniel and Teal'c had really been preparing a small celebration for my return. While everybody was eating and drinking, I approached Daniel and I said, "I missed you there when I woke up today." He glanced at me with an inscrutable look and told me in a whisper, "I didn't want to ruin your Jack moment." He promptly walked away from me and I did not know how to follow up. I simply let it go.

After the scary incident inside Jonas Quinn's planet, I was back home for a few days of stand down when I met Pete. It was all my brother's doing. Pete had been one of his best friends for a long time, since high school. He was handsome and agreeable enough and he looked at me as if I was the main prize in some life contest. It really appealed to me. I was so used to being "one more of the boys" in the military that it felt exhilarating to be just "the girl" for Pete. I even went back to wearing dresses that I had long forgotten in the back of my closet.

I felt some perverse satisfaction when the Colonel discovered our relationship. I was not humming on purpose, I swear. I did it unconsciously, just because… it came to me, and the Colonel, who is not as dumb as he wants everybody to believe, got it in a second. I did not mind finally telling him. In a way I was telling him that I was over him, that I had someone who cared for me the way he was not capable of caring.

The whole thing did not keep me from noticing that Daniel was not doing all right. He was constantly sleepy and tired and we could not find a reason. Teal'c was very concerned, too, until we finally came up with an explanation. The day we were supposed to capture Osiris in Daniel's house, Pete appeared from nowhere and was injured. Consequently, we ended up giving him clearance enough to find out about the stargate and my job. Not much, but enough to make our relationship much easier, as it kept me from having to constantly lie to him about what I was doing at work.

As I was explaining the whole story to Pete in the Infirmary, I caught, from the corner of my eye, Daniel hugging Sarah as if their lives depended on it. I will admit today that it bothered me a lot. I can hear you telling me that that was completely selfish. I had Pete, I wanted Jack, and I also did not want Daniel to be with Sarah. What was next? Feeling jealous of Ishta?

For a few weeks after Sarah was rescued from Osiris, Daniel kept a close relationship going with her. He told me once that they needed each other for moral support and that sex had come easy between them, because they had already been lovers when they dated in Chicago. Daniel felt he owed her because of the nightmare she had had to endure while Osiris inhabited her, but, then again, Daniel always feels he owes someone. I am certain that his support meant a lot to her, but she finally left him and went back to London after her period of adjustment to her _free_ life ended. I did not see what effect her departure had in Daniel. I was too busy enjoying the attentions of Pete. By then, I had put Daniel in a compartment called "Finished business" because, oddly enough, I felt like he had betrayed me with Sarah.

Then the Alpha Site was destroyed and I had to escape from the drone intent on killing me and destroying the weapon. I was saved at the eleventh hour by the Colonel and that morphed him back into my unsung hero. When I rested my head on his shoulder, after the supersoldier had been killed, I knew it was all going to be fine.

Pete was in Denver and we had not spoken in a couple of weeks. It was not really his fault. He hated to leave messages on my answering machine because sometimes weeks passed until I went back home and heard them. So he had opted for waiting for me to answer to actually say a word. It felt like some kind of abandonment and I considered that our relationship had been nothing more than a fling. After all, except for the couple of instances with Daniel or the time with Orlin, there had not been a man in my life since Jonas Hansen. I deserved a break and Daniel did not even really count.

With Pete and Daniel out of the way, the Colonel came back to be the center of my fantasies, that is until _that _happened. Something so big, so terrible, painful, and unfair, that I have no words to explain it.

We had all been preoccupied by the presence of Emmett Bregman in the base. He was trying to get information we were not ready to share yet. Actually, _we_ were ready. The government was not, but the responsibility to stop Bregman from snooping around fell on us. Then SG-13 was attacked by the Goa'uld on another planet and we all went to rescue them. SG-3 was already there, guarding the gate. SG-1 arrived with SG-5 and SG-7. Janet accompanied us because Airman Wells had been severely wounded and his teammates had been unable to bring him back to command.

While Janet was trying to stabilize Wells, the Colonel ordered us to resist and try to gain some time for her to do her job. The battle was fierce. That was when I saw him get shot. The world went still for a second as I processed the fact that he could be dead. It was nothing compared to what I would feel soon afterwards as the incontrovertible truth of Janet's death hit me.

It devastated me; it devastated all of us. There are few times in my life when I have cried so much and with so much feeling as that time; surely when I lost my mother; probably when I thought Daniel had died on Nem's planet; certainly after Kelowna.

Nevertheless, nobody was as affected as Daniel, especially because he had been there, by her side, and there had been nothing he could do. He had been thinking of Airman Wells and his family, on the chance that he would never see his baby being born.

Perhaps he was also affected because he had been the most assiduous client of Janet's shop, since the very beginning, and he had never failed to give her a hard time, if his vain attempts at leaving the Infirmary as soon as he was taken there, battered, bruise, or bleeding, qualified as a hard time.

Maybe he was feeling that way simply because he is used to carrying the world's weight on his shoulders.

After Daniel made sure Jack did not wake up alone in the Infirmary, after he carefully gave him the bad news, after he tried in vain to stop him from getting up and going to the memorial, we all gave our farewells to Janet. Daniel and I took care of telling Cassie and we made arrangements to have her there for the funeral.

Then I went home, but I could not go in. I did not want to go in. I got back in my car and I drove to Daniel's house. When he finally opened the door, his eyes were as red and swollen as mine. I loved him for that; I loved him for being able to cry for our loss, for not being afraid of showing that he is human, too.

He looked at me and guessed my intentions. Without moving from the doorway, he asked, "Pete?" I sighed and I said, "We're not really together." I was not lying. We had gone on a few dates and we had spent two nights together in the summer. That did not qualify as a relationship. There was no understanding between us; there was no commitment.

Daniel kept looking at me and I saw doubt in his eyes, but he moved backwards and allowed me in. What followed was a frenzy. We made love right there, in his foyer, almost completely clothed, against the wall. It was fast, frantic, desperate. It was primitive, angry, and rough, and different from everything we had done before. When it was finished, he stood with his forehead against mine, still holding my face between his hands, still holding my body against the wall. "This is wrong," he said. "I know," I replied. And he picked me up and took me to the bedroom.

We made love all night, perhaps not as frantically and certainly not as fast, but with the same desperation underneath. It felt that if we stopped, the world would stop and we would be swallowed by some giant pit, an abyss as black as the one we had had in our hearts since that fatal blast.

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


	4. Chapter 4

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**Chapter 4**

The following days were no better. The Colonel was still in the Infirmary, recovering from his wounds, when Daniel, Teal'c, and I were sent to meet Agent Malcolm Barrett, from the N.I.D. He was expecting us in a warehouse in Los Angeles, where unspeakable experiments on human and Goa'uld hybrids had been performed. Anna, one of the subjects of that atrocity, had massacred all the personnel working in the warehouse, minus one. It did not take her long to finish her task and end her life at the same time. During her escape, in order to find the sole survivor, she knocked out Daniel and the two guards. I believe she had seen the goodness in Daniel's soul, because she spared their lives. When I ran into the room and I saw him lying immobile on the floor, I felt my blood turning into ice. As Malcolm checked on the guards I leaned over Daniel. He was breathing with difficulty, but he was alive. I sighed with relief and, right then, he seemed to stop breathing. I decided to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and I prepared to start working on his chest. As I approached him, ready to start, he suddenly opened his eyes and breathed deeply. I was kneeling on the floor, still holding his head on my right hand, when he stretched out his hand and softly caressed my cheek. So I kissed him. Right there in front of everybody.

I know Malcolm was busy trying to reanimate the guards, but he could have seen us and drawn some erroneous conclusions, especially after I had told him that I was seeing someone by then. I had not meant Pete, not even Daniel. I just wanted to let Agent Barrett down gently.

The fact that I could not stop that kiss, or that I did not want to stop it, was a sign of how messed up my head was at that point. I immediately knew we had to do something to stop the madness that had come over us before we endangered something even more important than our careers. Daniel understood it too and without a word, we both agreed that it would not go beyond that ever again. Soon after that, I restarted my relationship with Pete.

You all know what happened next. The Colonel got the whole repository of Ancient knowledge downloaded into his head, again; he defeated Anubis' fleet, and he got frozen into suspended animation in a chamber we found in Antarctica. While Thor, Teal'c, and I were trying to find a way to help him and Daniel was dealing with the Goa'uld on Earth, I was kidnapped by Fifth. He tortured me for my betrayal, for leaving him behind when the Colonel ordered me. In the meantime, Thor saved the Prometheus and beamed Daniel and the Colonel into the Daniel Jackson. He connected Jack's mind into the computer of his ship and that allowed them to create a weapon against the Replicators about to attack the Asgard homeworld of Orilla. After the knowledge was erased from his mind, Jack recovered. The replicators on Orilla were destroyed, but Fifth and his ship escaped, leaving me behind. What I did not know then was that Fifth had taken a part of me with him and that it –_I_– would come back to destroy the Universe and hurt Daniel in the process.

Back on Earth, the Colonel became a Brigadier General and took command of the SGC. I was promoted to Colonel and I was put in charge of SG-1.

During all that time, Daniel and I respected our silent pact and nothing happened between us again. I wanted to be faithful to Pete, now that we were in a formal relationship, and Daniel would have never interfered with that. It all went well until Colonel Vaselov was taken over by Anubis who then passed into Daniel. Teal'c had to zat him and the General had to shoot him.

It is hard to explain how the injured Daniel called to me in the silence. He lay there, motionless on his Infirmary bed, unconscious due to the heavy blood loss and still sick because of what later we found out was Anubis' stay in his body. I sat by his side and I felt all the emotions that had overwhelmed me after Kelowna come back to me. "You have an effect on people, Daniel. The way you look at things, it changed me too. I see what really matters. I don't know why we wait to tell people how we really feel. I guess I hoped that you always knew." But I never told him, not when he came back, not when he asked me, not when we were making love and he deserved to know. Now I would never be able to tell him, even if he survived. I owed it to Pete to keep quiet about what I felt for Daniel, because all those feelings were inappropriate and they would only serve the purpose of ruining my career or taking Daniel out of the team. Besides, if I had lived all those years knowing that I loved him and not done anything about it, I could certainly keep on doing nothing. I just needed him to survive this, to pass the test one more time. Then I would think of the right excuse. First it had been Sha're. Then the mourning for Sha're's death. When that was not reason enough, I put all my energy into my crush for Jack O'Neill and then Daniel was dead and there was nothing left to hide. That year while he was ascended I did not even flirt with the Colonel. There was no point to it; Daniel was not there anymore. Now, Pete would be my best shield.

Daniel recovered and life went on, until he decided to stay in the Rand Protectorate to negotiate with its government, right before Soren caused the attack of the Caledonian Federation. We lost communication with Daniel immediately and we did not know of his fate for months. It brought to my mind the days I had spent desperately trying to bring back Jack when he was stranded in Edora. The difference was that there was nothing _I _could do now. I was not necessary to daily attempt to communicate with Daniel and there was no riddle to solve in order to save him. It was hopeless. Pete soon noticed the change in my mood. I carefully explained to him how important Daniel was for all of us and how it was hard to continue our job without really knowing what had happened to him. Pete was not very patient. I realized that he was feeling jealous of Daniel, so I concentrated my efforts in making him know that he was more important to me than Daniel, but I was lying to him.

During those months I reflected about Daniel, Jack, and myself more than I had ever done before. I questioned myself about how I was capable of having such strong feelings for three different men at the same time. Pete was the easiest to figure out. He was a _normal_ guy, a man who could give me everything I had been yearning for in the last year: a family, a life like everybody else's. There were no complications to loving him. Of course he had a dangerous job by normal standards, but compared to ours, it was nothing. He probably would be the one staying up at night wondering if his spouse had fallen under enemy fire. Besides, he did not expect anything special from me. He was already taken by the whole idea of the intergalactic warrior and he considered himself lucky that I was with him.

Jack was a different matter. I could not explain, even to myself, why I had this crush on him, the kind of crush that lasts years. He was –he_ is_–a great leader and an exceptional soldier. He is also handsome, in a rough kind of way, but I finally concluded that what really appealed to me was that look that he gives people sometimes. Not the _"Uh?" _look. That one bothers me, especially when he uses it in the middle of one of my explanations. The _"This world is crap, but now I only care about you"_ look. He really makes you feel that way. After the end of a hard mission, after another tragedy, after one more painful day, he looks at you and you feel like there's nobody else in the universe for him but you. Well,_ I_ feel that way when he looks at me. The problem is that there is nothing behind the look. There is no follow-up, no continuity. After you melt, he goes back to the sarcasm and the evasion techniques.

Daniel was the complicated one. First, he has something that I will call _irresistibility_. I mean, how can anyone not love him? He provokes some sort of maternal instinct in everybody –ask Jack, Teal'c, or General Hammond, if you think I am exaggerating– like a deep need to make sure that he is all right, because he carries so much pain... Sometimes I look in his eyes and I see it so clearly, that I feel afraid that one of these days the pain will crush him under its weight. You should have seen what those eyes expressed the day we left his grandfather behind with the giants' race of the crystal skull. They had just found each other, truly for the first time in their lives, and, once again, Nick had left him in favor of his dream.

You should have seen what those eyes said when I had to witness him helplessly relive, over and over again, the awful death of his parents, thanks to the Gamekeeper. Or after he helped deliver Sha're's child, who was not his son, as he rightfully deserved, but Apophis'. Or when he had to let that same child go, though he loved him as if he were his, first with Oma and then after his nightmare of absolute power. Or when, dizzy and in pain, he kept trying to focus on the dying figure of Sha're.

So, is it pity? Do I go back to him time and again because I feel sorry for him? No. The truth is I do not pity him. I admire him. I trust him. I wish I could ever be like him, because even if we all feel the need to protect him, he does not let us. He gets up on his own every time. He picks himself up from the wreckage and keeps walking without one complaint. Metaphorically and in the strict sense of the word, because I have seen him myself stand up after he has been shot, zatted, struck, or injured with the ribbon device, and gather enough energy to put himself through the gate, keeping his dignity, holding his ground.

I do see his defects, too. He keeps pointing them out to anyone who cares to listen. He blames himself for every mistake he has ever made and also for ours. He is not perfect and he knows it. He is just more human than all of us.

Then, if I love him that much, why do I keep resisting it and I refuse to let him know? Because loving him is wrong. It was wrong when I first fell for him, in the Cartouche room on Abydos, while his wife, unknown to us, was being taken. It was wrong when I wished Daniel had lost any hope of finding her and proposed to me to adopt Cassie together. It was wrong when I secretly felt relieved as Ke'ra –Linea– stepped into the gate without the memory of her feelings for him. It is wrong because he is my best friend and that is all he expects from me. I do not have the right to ask for anything else and, if I have given him more than that, it has been as part of what I owe him for being there every time I have needed him. They are part of the benefits of being as close as we are. I understand now what Cassie meant once when she talked about a couple of friends who were "friends with benefits" and not just friends. I understand it, but those benefits became part of the past when I got involved with Pete.

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


	5. Chapter 5

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**Chapter 5**

Now I need to go back to what happened before, so that you understand why I am where you see me today.

After Daniel finally came back from Rand, still bearing some of the scars from his wounds, I had a period of desperate jealousy. Leda had been some kind of protecting angel to him. She had nursed his injuries, fed him, and taken care of him, giving him all the time, the patience, and the support necessary to heal. She had sat by his side, day after day, reading and talking to him, attentively listening to his words. _We _never get to do that. We are there when he wakes up the first time after an incident, but then we start pushing for the rapid recovery and he pushes himself harder.

I am certain Leda and Daniel reached some level of communication that she did not even have with her husband. And it killed me to know it. Daniel, anyway, avoided talking about it more than it was strictly necessary for the briefing and report.

In spite of Pete, the jealousy blinded me. I was mad at Daniel without even knowing it, so when Pete proposed, I did not bother telling him. I told the General. And while Daniel was lying there on the floor, by Krista's side, zatted and feeling guilty, I accepted Pete's proposal to marry him. I did not even look twice at Daniel. Someone else was taking care of him. He always gets someone to care.

The situation with Alec Colson emboldened me. He flirted with me and he made me feel like I could get any man I wanted. Little by little I started going back to being Daniel's best friend. By the time Rya'c and Kar'yn decided to get married at the base, we were back as always. I remember standing by Daniel's side hearing the news and wondering what Jack would say. Daniel put his hand on my shoulders and I felt he was asking for support. I held his hand with mine and I wished they could stay like that forever.

Not long after that Daniel helped rescue me from the Alkesh where the Trust had taken me. For the first time that day, I realized that the transformation was complete, that Daniel had become one of us in more ways than we had ever expected, that he was as much a soldier as any of us.

It is hard to talk about what happened next. I let my guard down. I should have been more alert than ever, because I know myself and I know that it is hard for me to give up. The worst part of it is how much that mistake of mine would later cost Daniel. When the Carter replicator escaped, I blamed myself. I still do.

I have to make a confession here. I felt pain when Fifth was destroyed. I know he was as much a replicator as all the others, but I felt that he would not have come back to harm us if we had taken him with us, instead of leaving him behind with First and the others. We betrayed him and transformed him into what he became. It was right then when I understood why Daniel cried when Jack killed Reese.

Maybe now is when I should take a little time to talk about Jack and Daniel. It is important to mention this, because it has been a contributing factor in how things ended up where they are today. After all these years, I have finally come to understand that it was Daniel –giving his life for an almost unknown Jack, fighting for the Abydonian people, leaving everything behind for love– who gave Jack enough hope to keep on living after Charlie's death. He would have killed himself otherwise. The same way, it was Jack who gave Daniel hope when Apophis took Sha're. Daniel figured out the way to rescue Jack and me from Antarctica when we gated there by accident and Jack saved him when he almost committed suicide after he was affected by the Light. However, somewhere along the way, the Colonel hardened and Daniel did not move an inch. That was when the differences started to hurt Daniel. I would say the first sign was when Jack hit Daniel after he became _touched_. Then when it took him so long to believe his story about an alternate reality –that eventually saved our world– and when he left him behind, injured, dying, in Apophis' ship. You would say that Daniel asked him to do it, but the Colonel always said that we do _not_ leave our people behind.

The definite breaking point was the lie that Jack used_ to protect us_ when they were looking for the traitors stealing technology from our allies. Daniel is always the one that sees the different shades of gray in any situation. For Jack everything is black or white. That time, Daniel saw it from Jack's point of view. He believed every word that came out of Jack's mouth. In spite of finding out that it had been a lie, I do not think Daniel ever recovered from the blow Jack gave him the day he went to see him in his house, after his false retirement. He was still healing from the pain we caused when we let him be committed because of the effect of Ma'chello's device. Then came the disaster in Euronda and, to top it off, the conflict between the Enkarans and the Gadmeer. Daniel had been right all along, but nobody was listening. The time we spent beneath the surface of Calder's planet did not help and, then, Reese died. No wonder Daniel ascended.

Going back to my narrative, I had just left Replicarter escape, when Daniel was invited to go to Atlantis with General Hammond in the Prometheus. He did not get to go, but he met her, Vala. It probably would have been hate at first sight, but Daniel reserves such hard feelings for heinous acts, such a the kidnapping of his wife. Let's say that he disliked Vala as much as she liked him.

The next months were not good, incidents with Maybourne, the Russians, the Trust, and one rather _not ordinary_ citizen, Joe, kept us busy. My relationship with Pete deepened and Daniel supported it. Everything was turning out all right until Daniel was beamed away from the rebel mothership, right before my eyes. The following days were hectic, part of the frantic fight to gain control of the Ancient weapon in Dakara, destroy the Replicators, and keep Anubis from wiping out the Galaxy. While I was working by my father's side in Dakara, Daniel had to face the other _me_. She probed his mind until she got the knowledge she was seeking and then she killed him.

We were finally able to annihilate the Replicators, but not without Daniel's help. Though we did not know it for certain yet, Jack and I believed that Daniel had had a hand in that. He later denied it, after he came back to us from Ascension for the second time, but, while he may not be the one thrown into constant battle with Anubis, he was the one who gave Oma the strength to rectify her error and, also, the one who stopped the Replicators long enough to let us finish the weapon that destroyed them.

What we have never talked about –I am still afraid of doing it– is what else he saw while he was probing the Replicator's mind. After all, it was also my mind. If he found out what my feelings for him are, he has not said a word. I am sure he is doing it out of respect for my privacy and I feel I owe him more for that.

The day Daniel _descended, _we were all in shock. The logical thing to do would have been to send an orderly to bring him a uniform, but we were not capable of such intelligent thinking. As soon as he got out of Jack's office, covered in the SGC flag, we all smiled at him, but he was embarrassed. He said, "It's a long story" and blushed deeper. I had to look away because anyone could have seen in my eyes the thoughts that were crossing my mind. Jack said, "Infirmary," and Daniel sheepily walked toward the door without a word. I gave him an inquisitorial look and then I got up as the others had. Bra'tac, Teal'c, the General, and I followed Daniel as he walked shoeless in his flag along the corridors of the SGC toward the Infirmary. Many came out of their offices to congratulate him for his comeback and many others gathered in the hallways to smile a welcome to him. He was blushing so deeply that it was pitiful, but we did not care. We just needed to know that he was all right. That he had his memories, that he still cared for us.

Later that night we all went to have some steaks. The conversation during the meal was light, as it always is when we are in public. After dinner, the General had to take Teal'c and Bra'tac back to the base, so I offered to drive Daniel home. In the car I told him that I had been in his house the day before, watering the plants. "I don't really want to go home," he said almost in a whisper. It took me by surprise. "Do you want to come home with me? I can fix you a bed in the guestroom," I offered. He shook his head. I kept driving, waiting for any signal, not knowing where to go. He suddenly asked me to stop and let him out; he just wanted to walk. I did not. I did not think that was a good place to start a walk, nor the right time to do it. I told him so.

He sighed and kept quiet. I could feel that he was restless. I decided to take him home with me; I had a plan. I have a large backyard, surrounded by tall trees and a wooden fence. As soon as we got there, I told Daniel to walk to the back of the house. He got out of the car without a complaint and walked toward the back. I went inside the house and got a picnic blanket, some pillows, a couple of bottles of water, and a bowl with chocolate raisins. I did not have anything fresh in the fridge.

Daniel helped me stretch the blanket and then we both sat down. "Thank you," he said and then he kept quiet. I knew what he wanted. He just did not want to be inside.

After a little while I felt I had to talk about something; I was worried about what was going on in his head. I told him my father had died. He lowered his head and said. "I know, Jack told me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." That left me without words. What do you say to that? I asked him if the General had also told him that I had left Pete. He looked at me with surprise and asked why. I could not answer that. I was not sure myself.

He lay down on the blanket and looked at the few stars visible on that dark night. "I died, again," he said softly. I was about to reply when he added, "Oma was there, waiting for me. After she engaged in battle with Anubis, I had to ascend. There was no other way to come back. I did it on my own, can you believe it?" He did not give me a chance to answer. "I didn't lose my memory this time; I even remember everything from the first time, though I'll never repeat this to anyone else. The only problem is I don't know why I wanted to come back," he finished.

"Maybe you wanted _to have_ a life before you gave up," I said.

"Yeah, maybe. I think I'm going to push until Jack lets me go to Atlantis," he replied.

I was crushed. I had the silly hope that he would say that he had come back for me. I did not want to talk any more meaning-of-life stuff with him. If he was going to Atlantis, I would find something else to do, but, first, I was going to be selfish for once. "Then," I said leaning toward him, "we should use this night to bid our farewells." I got closer and I kissed him. I think I took him by surprise. We were not in the desperate state we had been in our previous encounters. This was different, but he did not reject me. He stretched out his arms and he got me closer to him as he kissed me back. You will think that so much gate travel has rendered me silly, but I felt like it was the first time I was being kissed. I suddenly remembered Cassie being kissed by Dominick on the front porch and I almost expected some light bulb to explode behind us in the house.

Perhaps because it had been so long since the last time we had made love, or perhaps because I had been with Pete all that time, the whole experience felt new. Maybe Ascension changes people. The truth is we should not have done it, because after that night I could not think of anything else but repeating it as soon as possible. It was calming, it was soothing, it was healing. The other times I had felt I was in charge, even when I was not. This time I had no control. I just felt I was a precious artifact in Daniel's hands, in the hands of the discoverer, in the hands of the explorer.

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


	6. Chapter 6

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**Chapter 6**

This time I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to discuss what had happened between us, but Daniel seemed to want to handle it as before and I kept quiet. Then Catherine Langford died and something happened, or not, though we will never be certain. By the time we went to the General's cabin in Minnesota, I had decided Daniel was a closed chapter in my life. No more pinning after him if I could still be pinning for Jack, who had apparently ended his affair with Agent Johnson. Well, he was still flirting with me at least!

That turned out to be a big disappointment. He was offered General Hammond's position in the Pentagon and he accepted. So, I went to Nevada, to my Research and Development assignment in Area 51. I forged a closer relationship with Cassie, who was in desperate need for a parental figure since Janet's death, and I got used to a new life without the team and without the gate.

Daniel was getting ready to go to Atlantis when _she _came back. Vala. As soon as I heard about it I figured out she had come back for him. The treasure of Avalon was simply an excuse.

Cameron Mitchell, who had taken charge of SG-1, asked me to return to the team, but I refused. Jack had been replaced by General Hank Landry, Janet's place was occupied by his daughter, Dr. Carolyn Lam, and I had left my team in someone else's hands. It did not feel like coming home anymore.

Meanwhile, Vala laid her trap and got Daniel hooked into those bracelets. It infuriated me. Daniel called me soon after he recovered from passing out for the first time. I almost felt he was asking me to go rescue him from her hands, but he did not actually ask for anything, so I decided to stay in Nevada.

She became a regular in their lives, especially in Daniel's. Cam joked on the phone about her advances toward Daniel, about the numerous times when he thought something had happened –or was happening– between them, and I started to feel horribly jealous. After she was burned alive by the villagers of Ver Egen, I felt guilty about it, but as soon as I heard back from Daniel, I noticed that his attitude toward her had changed. Cam told me they were still the same, but I know Daniel better. I could hear it in his voice. He cared for her a lot more than he was telling.

Then they discovered the Ori –or the Ori discovered us– and I found a good enough excuse to go back to the team. After all, Daniel and Teal'c were already there. When Jack's orders came, I packed my stuff and I moved back to Colorado without a word.

By then, Daniel had tried all kinds of things to get rid of the bracelet-prison and had already given up. After he discovered that getting rid of the devices was not enough, he was resigned to wait until the effect of the bracelets wore off on its own. What surprised me, and hurt me at the same time, was the confirmation that there were other ties between them, invisible ties, ties that bind. In any case, I did not expect anything good to come from Vala, so it really surprised me when she destroyed the Ori beachhead on her own. Daniel was not. He had already seen the better side of her when she had tried to help the villagers of P8X-412. She had been worshipped there in the past, while she was still the host to the Goa'uld Quetesh, and she felt she owed them as much.

After Vala was lost, we got back to business as usual. First we faced Ba'al and his clones and, once again, I let down Malcolm Barrett by telling him I was not exactly single. Soon Cam discovered the Sodan warriors, and then we found Khalek. After the whole incident with Anubis'_ prototype_, I caught Daniel as he was walking, almost running, toward his office. I called out to him.

"I have to go, Sam," he said and kept walking. I run towards him and I tried to stop him by putting my hand on his shoulder. "No!" he almost yelled. He turned around enough to get rid of my hand and he whispered, "I need to go, I need to be alone, Sam." I saw he was fighting tears and I raised my hand toward his face, but he stopped me in midair. "No. Not now. I'm sorry." He made a gesture that looked to me as a sign of desperation and he added, "I just wish that I'd been wrong." He went into his office and closed the door.

I tried calling him later that night, but he did not answer. I found out the next morning that he had requested a couple of days of leave. I never found out exactly what he did those two days, because I was completely unable to reach him. During the second day I found Woolsey walking towards Daniel's office and I asked him why he needed him. He said that Daniel had left a message in his answering machine, apologizing for his behavior two days before. I inquired about that and he simply told me that Daniel had been right all along and that he did not need to apologize.

I should have realized that Daniel was going down a dangerous path, but I failed to see it.

Soon after that, we were hit by the Ori plague and there was no time left to analyze Daniel's life. Orlin kept me busy working on the weapon against the Ori Priors, until Daniel and Cameron were capable of using it against the one who had initiated the plague. However, the cure did not work and only Gerak's sacrifice allowed so many lives to be saved. The news we got about the Ori plan to get revenge against the Ancients became our main worry.

Those days I neglected Daniel again when Cameron, who has been my friend for so many years, got into trouble on Galar. We all concentrated our efforts in helping Cam, until he was exonerated from the crime he had been accused of by the planet's authorities.

What happened next took a heavy emotional toll on all of us. It stands among the hardest experiences the gate would take us through and among the best at the same time. The Ripple Effect affected all of us, except probably Teal'c. Daniel looked even more withdrawn after it and I could not figure out why. Seeing Janet and Martouf was the hardest part of it for me, because I had to let them go one more time. For a while I thought that perhaps it was Janet's presence that had upset Daniel, but I could not prove it. They had been close and he still felt guilty about her death. In any case, I did not find out, because Daniel evaded me very successfully during the next weeks, especially due to the multiple problems Cam and Teal'c got into.

I felt _I_ had to help Cameron. He is new and I am the only one who knows him from before he joined SG-1. Besides, I have seen him looking at Daniel and Teal'c as if they were his childhood heroes. I know he admires them, though he will probably never admit to it. He has memorized some of our reports and he listens to every word they say as if his life depended on it. Well, sometimes it does. It is different with me because we were friends before. It is hard to see your neighbor as a hero, right? It is the same with your old friends.

Cam told me that, after Major Ferguson died and we were back from Ba'al's ship, he had a little talk with Teal'c. It helped him that Teal'c recognized his participation in his rescue and, consequently, in the Jaffa's fight for democracy, but the death of his friend still had him down. I invited him to have dinner that day and he accepted. Right after I got out of the elevator in the base parking lot, I saw Daniel and Teal'c leaving together. I felt better. They are very close friends.

After dinner, I drove Cam to his house and I went home. All the way I kept thinking about Daniel and Teal'c and how they have been able to develop such a friendship in spite of how tragically their lives crossed the first time. I do not know if I would have been able to forgive _and get over_ the fact that Teal'c was the one who chose Sha're to be kidnapped as future host of Amaunet. That is simply a testament to Daniel's strength of character. If you had heard him defend Teal'c during his Cor-Ai on Chartago, when not even a year had passed after Sha're's abduction, you would have been moved to tears. I remember we talked about it afterwards and Daniel simply said that he had been honest and done what was fair. I should have known he would, since he had let go much of his hope to save his wife the day he destroyed Thor's Hammer to save Teal'c. I always feel that our Jaffa friend has imposed upon himself the mission to protect Daniel from as much harm as he can, but on many occasions it has been Daniel protecting or fighting for him. I remember his trip to Russia when Teal'c was trapped in the gate or his visit from the ascended plane when Bra'tac and Teal'c were trying to survive with _one_ symbiote as they waited to be rescued. I have many times wondered why they were the only survivors of such a massacre.

At any rate, we were all still recovering from the mission to rescue Teal'c from Ba'al's mothership, when Jared Kane asked for our help. None of us foresaw the catastrophe that was going to break over us. So many lives lost, so much destruction. I tried to talk to Daniel after we both came back, but when I went by his office he was already talking to Cam. It seemed serious and I kept on going.

During the memorial Daniel talked about Ethon, the mythological eagle that gnawed on Prometheus' liver, as a representation of the kind of threat the Ori had become. Though I thought about Colonel Pendergast and his men killed in battle, that night the image became part of a nightmare in which Daniel was chained and devoured by a dark monster.

The next morning I tried to talk to him again, but, just as before, he eluded me. This time I was not going to take it. I cornered him in his office and I got him to pay attention. He finally agreed to have a coffee with me, downtown, after work. He drove his own car and met me there. We got our drinks and sat in the back, where there were less people and we would be able to talk more privately. I asked point blank what was going on, why he was avoiding me so blatantly. He remained quiet for a while. Then he said that he really did not want to talk about it, that it was something private, that he could not share it. I was dumbfounded. He could not share it with _me_? I told him how hurt I was by his words, how he could trust me and tell me what was going on. He dropped his head down as he does when he feels defeated and then said, "You have no idea, Sam, how I felt when I thought Teal'c and you had died with the others in the Prometheus… Just death all around us. Even Leda is gone… and all for nothing. They killed each other anyway." He took a few seconds and he stopped me from replying with a gesture of his hand. "I'm having very confusing feelings right now. I need to sort them out on my own. This is too big for me; no amount of comfort sex is going to help me." He looked at me with so much pain in his eyes that mine filled with tears in a second. He reached out and squeezed my hand and, before I could say anything, he was gone.

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


	7. Chapter 7

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**A.N.** This is the end of Sam's account of past days. Tomorrow starts the present. Spoilers for Season 10. Thank you for reading.

**Chapter 7**

I sat there, thinking about how close to being among the dead we all had been. I shivered as I recalled agreeing with Cam to fire on the satellite, even if it implied we could no longer negotiate for Daniel. I truly feared he had already been hurt. After we left the Prometheus, someone told us that he had not been seen since the last exchange with the ship. I did not have time to dwell on it because we needed to make new plans and, then, I heard him, trying to reach an agreement, no less. I grabbed the radio and I talked to him. He said something like "Good to hear your voice," but to me it sounded subdued, almost unemotional. Perhaps it was the time and place, not conducive to more. Later that day, after Daniel had already gated home, Jared Kane helped the rest of the survivors get to the stargate. He asked me to take a minute to talk with him. I agreed and he said that he wanted me to thank Daniel again and to assure him that no matter what happened next, not even his own people had tried as hard to reach peace. I have not had an opportunity to tell Daniel that. It could help him deal with this.

Kane told me something else. He said that Daniel, worried for us and while still in danger of being tortured or killed by the Rand government, had kept trying to find a solution after Kane had lost almost all hope. So much enthusiasm had bothered Kane somewhat and he had asked Daniel if he ever gave up. "Not until I'm dead… and sometimes, not even then," had been the reply. Kane thought it was a good picture of who Daniel is, but I felt there was something else behind it.

I decided to go home after I finished my coffee. I kept thinking about Daniel and somehow I recalled the days after Jolinar's death. While I was lying on that bed, feeling so hopeless, Daniel tried hard to make me come back, to make me understand there were many reasons to keep fighting. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and failing to see any hope. That is what I saw in Daniel's eyes before he left the coffee shop, emptiness. I have never seen that before in him. He always has a little reserve of hope to recycle and keep going. Like when he had to leave all those wonders behind on Ernest's planet or when he came back from his first encounter with a Unas to find out that Jack had killed his –Goa'uld– friend Rothman, or even after Osiris took Sarah.

It was not there anymore. I wanted to see him again and try to get some hope into him, knock it in, if necessary, but I understood that he needed to try to work on it on his own. I could wait a little longer and step in if he did not get there.

Two days later, after learning about the effects of the Casa corn, we were captured by the Lucian Alliance and tortured for nearly a day. Our captors kept us alive because they thought they could use us to recover their gate, that someone would come to our rescue and negotiate for us. Therefore, the torture was lighter than usual. It was mostly beating and subsequently leaving us under the fierce sun, with no water and no food. They could have done much worse. It seemed to me that Daniel was doing better. He pleaded and tried to bargain as usual. The Odyssey got us out of there right before they killed us. Then we went in search of the stolen gates.

After we finally made it back to the SGC from Ba'al's ship, I went straight to the showers. When I was at the Infirmary getting the usual post-mission exam, I found out that Daniel had already been there and that they had found a hairline fracture in his jaw. The fracture did not require his jaw to be wired, but Dr. Lam had put him on a soft diet for at least three weeks. She asked me if he had complained about the pain and I replied that he had not. I was certain, in any case, of which blow to his face by one of Worrel's men had broken his jaw. It had been the one when he finally let a cry escape.

I did not look for him. He had been cleared. He wanted to be on his own. Soon after, we were sent to baby-sit the representatives of the International Oversight Advisory Board during their visit to the Gamma Site. The whole thing started as a nuisance and quickly became a nightmare. We discovered that the insects that had plagued several planets visited by the priors of the Ori and destroyed their crops, not only could extend their lifespan if they were starved, but also turn into carnivores. It was only one more method the Ori had found to unleash a scourge on our Galaxy.

The Odyssey rescued all of us right in time, again. Back at the base, Daniel surprised me when he asked if we were going to have "movie night" with the team. It felt like a good sign. In spite of it all, he had been in a better mood during the mission, especially when near Shen Xiaoyi. She flirted with him since the very beginning. I asked Cam if he knew what they had been saying in Chinese, but he said that he had no clue of Chinese, except for the "Go to Hell" he had conveniently remembered. He had learned it in the Academy from an airman. Though he did not know what they had said, he thought he needed, just in case, to teach them a lesson for talking about him, in another language, to his own face.

During the movie we finally got Daniel to translate his conversation. He said she had simply stated that his Chinese was supposed to be good and that he had been polite and observed that her English was better. Then she had inquired about Cameron and Daniel had just joked that we were still in the process of teaching him. Cam did not think it was that funny and felt confident that he had done the right thing by sending them both to Hell.

Going back to Daniel and Shen, I noticed that they had some kind of confrontation during lunch, but by the time we were on the run, they seemed to have gotten over it. Still, they seemed very serious about their conversation subject. Later, I saw Daniel helping her when she broke her ankle. It made me unreasonably jealous and it also made me think that perhaps Daniel's problem was related to the fact that he has been alone for so long.

At least I have had Pete, and a brief thing with Orlin, and the General has had someone in his life now and then, too. Laira is a good example. Kerry Johnson was just another one I found out about. Teal'c has something going on with Ishta that even his son has acknowledged.

Daniel, on the other hand, has been alone since he left Abydos. You could say I should count that night with Ke'ra or his comeback to Sarah after Osiris, but the first did not last long enough to even be mentioned –though it left many scars– and the second was all for her benefit. We have talked about it and he admits he knew from the start that they were not going anywhere, that they were just holding on to each other to deal with the pain.

I made up my mind that I would find a way to talk about that with Daniel. The following day I tried hard to get him alone for a while, but he was so busy working on the Glastonbury artifacts brought from England, that it was impossible. That night I stayed late working on one of the Ancients devices he had found, hoping I would catch up with him before going home, but when I next thought of it, it was already later than 2300. I checked, but Daniel was gone, so I decided to stay in my quarters and talk to him in the morning. It was not easy, considering that first thing in the morning Cam and I were shifted out of phase by the device. While Teal'c was checking on the distress call from the Sodan, Daniel figured out the meaning of the legend of Arthur's Mantle and understood the purpose of the artifact. The problem got worse when Dr. Lee accidentally sent Daniel to the same dimension where I was. He was pretty frustrated, but I was very relieved to see him by my side. With him there it was easy to end the translation of the message from the device. Despite the fact that Bill depleted its energy supply, Daniel was able to make it work to sent all of us back to the right dimension. Cam helped Teal'c and they stopped the alienated warrior who had massacred his people.

After the debriefing, I saw Daniel talking to Bill Lee. He was in good spirits and I thought I should not bring up something that could ruin his mood. That night the team went out for dinner and then we got a couple of days of down time. We really needed them.

The next time I saw Daniel, he was not Daniel anymore. Vala was in his body and wanted to talk to us. By the looks of it, we would soon start our own crusade in search of the Holy Grail, or I should say the San Greal, and Vala's information was very helpful. After General Landry told us about the ship we had to give to the Russians, we tried to convince him to let us use the address that Daniel had found in the Ancient device to find Merlin's weapon. What surprised me the most was that when he finally agreed, he looked at Daniel, not Cam, and said, "Go." For a second I thought Cam would come up with a joke about it, about Daniel taking his place as commander of SG-1, but nothing came. That really made me happy. I think finally Daniel is getting the respect he deserves for what he means to this program. After all, Shen summarized it very well when she called him "The man who solved the riddle of the stargate." We would not be here if not for his participation. I know that perhaps someone else could have solved it –we had tried for at least two years and we were still working on it– but what Daniel has brought to the SGC is much more than just opening the gate. Just as an example, I doubt the Nox would have ever helped us if they had not found hope that we could improve ourselves by looking at Daniel's soul. Lya once told him, "Your race has learned nothing, but you have."

In any case, the next day we were in Camelot. Daniel and Cam remained there as Teal'c recruited the Lucian Alliance and I joined the Odyssey to get to the point where we suspected the Ori where going to come through to this galaxy. Cam was almost killed by the Black Knight, but Daniel deactivated it in time. Then the Korolev brought them to where we were and the terrible battle began. I was stranded in space for most of it, but as you know, I am all right. All of SG-1 survived, but many, many courageous and brave people are dead.

I thought I had lost Daniel again when the Korolev was destroyed, but then I found out that he was aboard an Ori ship. Vala is here with us now. Her daughter, Adria, who by all accounts should still be a newborn, is already what we consider a twelve-year-old girl. We know the threat she represents and I do not know yet what will come of all this, but we need Vala with us to try and help recruit Adria for our cause.

My main concern, anyway, is that Daniel is back into his depression. He is silent and almost absent. He will soon finally have the chance to go to Atlantis, with Vala unfortunately, but though that is what he has wanted for so long, it is not lifting his spirits.

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


	8. Chapter 8

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**Chapter 8**

_Today _we had a routine post-mission check-up and Dr. Lam sent him to one of the VIP quarters to sleep. She said it clearly; he could not go home, because she wanted to be certain that he was resting. He is close to exhaustion. She sent me to check up on him.

I open the door to his room and I see his figure on the bed. He _is _sleeping, fortunately, but he is completely dressed. He even has his vest and his boots on. I do not want to wake him up, so I leave him as he is, but I cannot leave the room. I walk to the other side of the bed and sit near the back of his head. He looks so agitated in his sleep that I feel compelled to do something. Very carefully I raise my hand and I caress his hair. His breathing changes rhythm and he seems calmer.

Right then, Cam knocks softly and opens the door. I make a gesture for him to be quiet and he comes in. He seems surprised to see me there. I signal that we should do something for Daniel, at least take his boots off. He agrees and he helps me. Then we cover Daniel with a light blanket and we leave the room.

"Wow. I didn't know you two-" Cameron starts as we walk down the hallways.

"No, we don't," I interrupt him. "Carolyn sent me to make sure he was resting. She was worried. He looked so agitated that I couldn't leave him."

"You don't," he asserts, "but you'd like to," he adds with a smile.

I look at him. He is an old friend, but I am not sure how much I should share with my current CO. "I'd like to what?"

"Come on, Sam. We're friends. I'm you commanding officer on paper, but I doubt any of the three of you really sees me that way. I'm just grateful you accepted me as a member of the band."

I smile. "I see you as my CO. I'm not sure about Daniel and Teal'c. Probably Teal'c does."

"Yeah, he's a soldier, he understands, but I don't think Daniel even saw Jack as his boss. I'm pretty sure he always does what he thinks has to be done."

"Yep, that would be Daniel."

"So, you _do_ want," he says with a mischievous smile. I do not answer immediately and he almost pushes me into one of the conference rooms. "Let's talk in here," he says.

We sit down close to each other to be able to talk in low tones. We just need to avoid people passing by; the security camera has no sound. "What's going on?" I ask, trying to change the subject of the conversation.

"I'm worried about the guy," he says more seriously. "I haven't known him for too long, but there's something wrong lately. He doesn't even argue with Vala anymore," he smiles. "He's usually ready for anything we ask and he keeps coming up with ideas from I don't know where, but, when he thinks we're not looking, he lets his guard down and I can see it."

"What do you see?" I ask.

"Sadness, I'd say. Something deep, something painful."

"Well, his life has not been easy," I justify.

"I know; I read his file, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't all of it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I read about the death of his parents and about his grandfather leaving him in limbo-" I make a questioning gesture and he explains himself. "Well, you know. He didn't adopt him, but he didn't put him up for adoption either, so he was a foster child for a long while."

"I have talked about that with him a few times and I've found out that his experiences in the foster homes were mostly bad."

"It must be hard to raise a genius child and even harder when he's not your own."

"Well, he finished school early and he got his legal emancipation. As soon as he got to college, he was on his own."

"And then, when he came up with all those theories about the pyramids, they laughed him out of Academia."

"But we both know that he was right all along," I add.

"Though he hasn't been able to tell any of the guys who closed the doors on his face…" We both stop for a second to think about it. "It sucks," Cam finally says.

"Yeah. Come to think about it, it didn't get much better after he joined the Stargate Program. I mean, he's really very successful. He has done things that all those peers who sneered at him would have never dreamt. He has made more discoveries than any modern or ancient explorer; he has deciphered so many off-world mysteries and learned a multitude of languages… but as long as it's all secret, it still must hurt."

"Then there's his personal life," Cam adds.

"Well, that's even worse. You know, I haven't thought about this before, but all of us have let him down one way or another and he keeps forgiving us and forgetting it, too."

"I can think of many things Teal'c did to him at the beginning, but after Sha're's death…"

"Oh, you should read between the lines in our reports. Daniel always expects the best from everybody and we usually disappoint him. I know Jack has hurt him many times, but Teal'c and I have, too, by not listening to him when he was trying to make us see something important or… I can think of something I did to him while I was dating Pete, after he was kidnapped by the Trust…" I have to stop because I have never realized how much that incident must have hurt Daniel. "We all have. We have failed him miserably and I can't think of any time when he didn't just follow his heart and do what he thought was right."

"Hey, the guy's not perfect."

"I know. He'll be the first to tell you and to prove it to you, too." I stop again. I am suddenly realizing how hard it must be to deal with all the things that have happened to him. We never think about it.

"So, you still haven't answered. You _do_ want, don't you?"

I smile and look down before answering. I know I am blushing. "If you're asking me if I want to be in a relationship with him, the truth is I don't even know myself."

"You have feelings for him. I've known you for a long time, Sam, and I can see that. Maybe the others don't, but I see it very well. Since I got here I've only heard rumors about you and O'Neill," I look at him surprised, "but I'm closer to you guys than the rest of the people in this base and what I see is different."

I need to talk with someone about this, so I decide to trust him. "Look, Cam, what I feel doesn't change the fact that _he_ doesn't feel the same."

"Have you told him that you're in love with him?" It sounds so strong that I let out a little laugh. "What? That's not it?"

"Yeah. That's it. I just haven't told anyone before. It sounds weird to hear it out loud."

"I think you should tell him. Maybe that will make his day, I don't know. I know many men, just on this base alone, that wouldn't dare dream of you paying attention to them-"

"Thanks, Cam, but I don't think that it's going to make any difference to him."

"Just try. You don't have anything to lose. Even if he doesn't share those feelings, he'd never do anything that could hurt you."

I thank Cam again and we go our separate ways. I have much to think about. Near 2000 I go to Daniel's office and he is not there. I know he has not left the mountain, so I decide to go check in the VIP quarters. I knock softly at his door and I hear his voice letting me in. It is dark inside, but I see his silhouette sitting on the side of the bed as the light from the hallway illuminates him.

"Hey, Sam," he says as he turns on a small lamp on the nightstand.

I ask him if he has rested enough and he assures he has. He still looks very tired, so I tell him that. He admits he had a couple of nightmares while he was trying to sleep. "A couple?" I ask. He confesses that he almost could not close his eyes without waking up in a sweat after another nightmare.

"Teal's once said he couldn't understand how I slept well before with all my past experiences. I think they're catching up with me."

He looks so defeated that I sit by his side and I put an arm around his back. I ask if it would help him to talk about it.

"I told you, Sam. I don't think anyone can help me now."

I want to know why; I reason, I justify, I try very hard to make him open up, but he just keeps looking down as if nothing I say could reach him. I decide I have to try something different. Maybe shock therapy? I stop the thread of my argument and I keep quiet for a short while. He raises his head slightly, probably wondering why I quieted so abruptly. I wait until he is looking at me, expecting me to explain.

I soften my tone as I say, "I'm in love with you, Daniel." I see the shock in his eyes. He did not see this one coming, I cheer. Maybe it will take him out of this weary state in which he seem to have fallen.

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


	9. Chapter 9

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**Chapter 9**

"Wh-what?" He asks. I nod, trying to tell him I meant what I said. He just says, "Oh, Sam!"

For a long time I have been preparing myself for this day when I would have to painfully hear his rejection, but, suddenly, it only worries me what _he_ is feeling. He is still looking at me with wide eyes as I explain to him for how long I have had these feelings and why I have deemed it necessary to hide them from him. As I talk, I understand that now that I have told the truth to him and to myself out loud, I cannot go back. There are no ulterior motives. I only want him to be happy. The rest does not matter anymore.

He listens attentively until I stop talking, then he looks down again and softly says, "I- I don't want to fall in love… with you."

Well, now I am shocked, very shocked, but he is talking and that was the whole point of this, so I keep quiet and wait for Daniel to explain himself.

"You deserve someone who can love you completely, without reservations. I can't do that. I can't love anyone. I've tried…" I wonder what he means, but he is still talking, so I keep quiet. "Look, Sam. I'm not sure how to love someone. I've been alone all my life, avoiding real ties with anyone. I just had to; it was the only way to survive. When you're in foster care, you can't develop deep feelings for any of your families, because sooner or later, they will move you to another family and you will suffer the loss. I didn't want to feel pain like the one I felt since I lost my parents. It was never ending; I would just close my eyes and see them die again and again. The Gamekeeper knew exactly what he was doing." He stops for a second and then keeps going. "You know how it feels, because you lost your mother." He takes a deep breath and continues. "So, I didn't get attached to anyone. I learned it that way, the hard way, and when I went to college and I was younger than everybody else, I learned that the more time I spent on my own, the less trouble I attracted. Every girlfriend I've ever had didn't last long with me, because I always put something else before them, first my studies, then my work. Those were safe bets, something that wouldn't betray me, that is until I came up with all those ideas about the pyramids as landing pads for the aliens," he stops and gives me a sad little smile. I stretch out my hand and softly caress his temple as I smile back. "I did it to Sarah when we were working together; I put my job far before her. We didn't last more than two months." He sighs. "I even did it to Sha're. The only difference is that I didn't have anywhere to go in Abydos. If I tried to spend the whole day digging up artifacts or translating in the Cartouche Room, she would find me and change my mind. There were no deadlines or excuses not to give in to her, so I let her love me. I trusted that she would never leave me. She was much younger than me; I thought I would surely die before her. I didn't think I would survive losing her, but here I am, still alive. I just can't do it anymore."

I try to say something. "Daniel," I start.

"No, let me finish, Sam, please. I need to tell you all this, so that you can understand me." I nod. "While Sha're was still alive, I held on to the fantasy that I'd have her back the same way as before, as if nothing had happened. That we'd continue from where we left off. Nobody else has loved me like she did; she was only for me; there was nothing else in the world for her. That's something I'll never have with anyone else. It was like going from the most abject desert to the most bountiful oasis. And then I was sent back to the pit, without even a drop of water. During those years I tried to lean on Jack. I'd never had a brother, or a father for that matter, and he was generous enough to offer me one. I allowed myself to create a bond with Jack, a very deep, very intense and meaningful bond, but somewhere along the way, the bond cracked. It's not completely broken; I still feel the connection, but it has also caused me much pain, many nights of insomnia trying to find a reason for what had happened between us."

I have to look down as I ask, without really asking, about something that has eaten me all these years. "Many people in the base thought there was something else to your relationship with Jack," I say.

"That we were lovers? Yeah, I've heard some things myself. Mostly when a soldier would insinuate that I was gay and that I was trying to _corrupt_ Jack or something like that. I don't think it would have been corruption. I think everybody has the right to live life as he wants. I think that if we'd had the inclination for that, we probably would have gotten together. I told you, it was very intense. I just don't see myself with another man and I don't think Jack does either, especially not Jack." I sighed inwardly with relief. Maybe I still can have some hope. "You will think it's strange, Sam, but I believe that my friendship with Teal'c now is as meaningful as the one I had with Jack."

"I believe you," I say.

"I can always trust that he won't lie to me, no matter how much what he has to say hurts."

I feel guilty. I do not know if he meant to tell me that he does not trust me because I have been lying to him all these years, but I feel guilty nonetheless. "Yeah, I know," is all I can say.

I think he is reading my mind because he says, "You're so important to me, Sam. Since the very beginning, you've been the only one I could talk to as an equal. I've felt your support on so many occasions; I've felt that you care for me, that it matters to you what happens to me, but I don't think I can allow myself to love you." His eyes are suddenly full of tears and I do not get to react to his last sentence because I sense something important is coming up. "I've never told this to anyone, Sam. A few days before she died, Janet and I went out on a couple of dates. She was such a great woman, I appreciated her so much, that when she asked me if I thought we could try something, I couldn't say no. We went out to dinner and we had an agreeable night, but I'm sure that I was a big disappointment for her, because just thinking of the idea of caring for her beyond what I already did, scared the hell out of me. I couldn't get beyond the dinner. I didn't even drive her home. I put her in a cab…"

"Daniel, that's not your fault."

"Yes, it was. I could have tried. I could have made an effort. I did, actually. I invited her to dinner at my house, so that I couldn't bail out at the last minute, but she saw it in my eyes and left early. A few days later, she was dead and it still hurts like hell. All that for nothing."

"You can't spend your life alone for fear of losing. Loss is part of everybody's life."

"Loss _is_ mostly my life, Sam. How many times have I been so close to losing _you_? Just think; Abu kidnapped you, you almost blew up with Cassie, you gated to Antarctica, Jolinar got into you, that entity downloaded you in the computer, Conrad's people took you, Nirrti hurt you, or Fifth-"

"Daniel, stop!" It is almost scary to listen to all those things that have happened to me over the years, but it is frightening that Daniel can have the whole inventory so fresh in his mind.

"I'm sorry," he says in a whisper.

"Daniel, listen to me, you can't stay alone taking everything on your shoulders. You've always been there for all of us. Jack told me once, after too many beers, that if it weren't for you, he would have died in Ba'al's prison. You came back from Ascension for him. Think about it. Now you need someone to take care of you. It's too much for one human being. The weight of all this responsibility is pushing you into the ground. We all need someone to love us, but you need it right now, someone you can talk to when you come back from work, someone that can wake you up in the mornings and give you hope and a reason to come back home at the end of the day. You told me,_ you_ did, the first time we spent a night together, you said you needed to feel loved. If it can't be me, there are many women in this base alone that would gladly accept being part of your life and that way you wouldn't have to pretend about who you are."

"It would be so easy to fall for you, Sam."

"Then, let it happen, Daniel. You once told me that I didn't know what love was and it was true, I didn't really know, until I met you."

"I'm sorry I ever told you that. It wasn't fair. I wasn't myself." He looks at my eyes. "If I could fall for you, Sam… I'm too afraid. I just wish that I could let myself fall and cry for everything that I haven't been able to change and that I could let myself show that I'm nothing else than a weak man who can't fight much longer."

"You're not weak. You're the strongest man I've ever met, Daniel, but you deserve the chance to cry and to take a break and mourn for what you've lost. Just let me be with you while you do; I promise I won't ask for anything."

We do not talk much after that. We're just sitting here, side by side, holding hands. I can feel his distress, his restlessness, so I start stroking his back with my other hand and he lets me. I finally get him to lie back on the bed and I stay by his side. I want to make sure that he will sleep this time. I will be there if he wakes up after a nightmare and I will help him back to sleep.

It is the morning now and I am scheduled for a mission with Teal'c and Cam. Daniel has to stay to prepare for his trip to Atlantis with Vala. I leave him still sleeping and I go to get ready. He has slept well; I made sure of that.

Near midday I go to the gateroom. I wish I could have talked to Daniel before leaving, but I did not want to interrupt his rest. I leave a note on his desk telling him that he can count on me for whatever he needs and that he has to think over what we talked about the night before. My only hope is that he will allow himself to try some day.

I am on the ramp. The wormhole is open. Teal'c and Cam are ahead of me. We are waiting for General Landry's last orders, when I hear Daniel from the Control Room.

"Sam!" he says loudly into the microphone. I turn around and I see him behind the glass, by Landry's side. The General is smiling and I wonder what is going on. Cam and Teal'c turn around, too. "Sam, can you hear me?" Daniel asks.

"Yes, Daniel, I can hear you," I reply.

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


	10. Chapter 10

**From the Soul** by Betty Bokor  
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.  
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.  
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

**From the Soul**

**Chapter 10**

"Sam! Marry me."

I almost fall down the ramp because my legs are shaking. "Yes!" I say with such a big smile that I am afraid my face will implode.

"Yes!" Cam says from behind me and I turn just in time to see his gesture of triumph. Teal'c is smiling, too, and it really surprises me. I turn back around and I see many people around Daniel. They are all smiling.

"Congratulations on your engagement, Colonel Carter," Landry says. "Hurry up and get done with that mission. I'm sure you two need to talk before Dr. Jackson here goes to Atlantis," he finishes.

"Yes, sir, " I agree and I cross the event horizon joyous that Daniel is willing to give it a try. I will make it work, for as long as I get to be with him, I will make it work. I will show him how much he deserves to be loved, how much _I_ love him, how wonderful it is to be loved so completely. After all, I would not have learned without him.

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It is very late, I know, but I can't sleep. I'm lying on my back and my body is still short-circuiting. I can feel little tremors and small quivers everywhere. I will not be able to sleep tonight.

Daniel is on his side and his right arm and leg are wrapped over me. He is too warm, but it does not bother me. I do not want him to move. According to all the rituals of this society we have been born in, he belongs to me now. And I belong to him, but that is not new. I have always belonged to him, since the very first time I heard of the amazing man who opened the gate. Since I crossed to the other side of the universe and I saw him and I heard him talk about the wonders he had discovered. I had to say it to him, "I knew I'd like you." He has never ceased to amaze me. I am certain he never will, because what makes him extraordinary is that he can do what other men do not even think of, what other men do not believe possible. He has extended the limits of our world far beyond what any of us could have imagined and, not surprisingly, he had imagined it beforehand.

He has taught me that even if they do not get anyone to love them, there are souls capable of finding in them the strength to give back love, to the point of giving their own life. In the last months, while we have still been facing menaces to our world such as the Ori and the Wraith, he has allowed me to get into his soul. He has opened the doors to his most private feelings, to his darkest fears, to his most unlikely hopes. I have had the privilege of witnessing him cry, for once in his life, for everything he has had to leave behind, as foundation for a new start, for renewed expectations. I have had the privilege of holding him in my arms as he acknowledged the losses and the pain. He is trying to put it all behind and begin anew. I will not leave his side, not of my own will.

He suddenly snuggles closer to me and I delight in the feeling of his body beside me. I lift a hand and follow the contours of the muscles on the arm that is holding me. I can bask in these feelings for the rest of my life. If I had been brave enough to tell him earlier that this is what I felt, perhaps I could have avoided some of the pain we have both been through, but since I did, our lives have changed. I was a coward and I hid my feelings for years, getting into relationships, and hopes of relationships, that only brought me unhappiness. As soon as I told Daniel what I wanted, he threw himself into the abyss to check if he could give it to me. Fortunately, it has made us both good. This man, who has had so little chance at being loved, now knows and feels what that means and I do not want to be the only one who loves him. I want to give him children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, as many as I can bring to him to give him back what he spends so carelessly on us.

He told me last night, after we escaped from the party that followed the ceremony, that he was happy, really happy. I could see it in his eyes, but it was good to hear him saying it. I am happy, too, immensely happy. We will take whatever comes from here _together_. That ought to make us strong enough.

You know, if you are still listening to my story, go ahead and dare. Do not let the chances go by; this is the time to try.

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It's very late and I'm going to be asleep very soon. It doesn't take that much for me to fall asleep these days. I believe Sam has a calming effect on me. The nightmares usually stay away when she's close to me. I'm not sure of how I got here, but it's the best thing that has happened to me in this life. Everyone knows how many extraordinary events I've been involved with, but, still, comparing it to opening the gate, finding Abydos, getting Teal'c's friendship, fighting by Jack's side or even loving Sha're, sharing my life with Sam is above it all. She completes me; she makes everything worthwhile; she understands me in a way that I've only witnessed once before. This is what my parents had. This is what made them so happy. This is probably why they had to die together, because they wouldn't have survived on their own anyway.

I'm feeling really sleepy, but my body is aware of Sam's presence. I've draped my right arm and leg over her body and I can still feel little tremors shaking her. I feel as if I were high on some kind of drug when I realize that I'm the one who makes her feel that way. It's a powerful feeling. I hope she's not sleeping yet, because my body is preparing to love her again.

The first time we made love it took me by surprise. I had just been freed of the souls from the Stromos and Sam had taken me home with her. I didn't know where else to go. I had felt lost when all the entities got into me, but now that they were gone, I still couldn't find myself. I don't know why, but I almost felt as I had when Hathor forced me to… I don't really need to remember that right now. Let's say I was feeling invaded, violated. I couldn't stop thinking about it. When Sam suddenly kissed me and I responded to her, I felt as if I had regained ownership of my body. Not even Ma'chello could take it then. That was how we made love for the first time. All along I feared that Sam would come to her senses and stop it, but she didn't. She allowed me to play my explorer dreams with her; she allowed me to give her every ounce of love I had stored since Sha're's death. It was like being part of a shipwreck and suddenly reaching a safe beach. She gave me a reason to stay.

Unbelievably, it happened again, after Lee and I came back from Honduras. I won't talk about the torture. That's something that nobody needs to hear. I just hope that Sam never read the report. Let's just say that by the time they shot me, I didn't even think the pain in the leg was too bad.

Sam came home with me that day. I could feel what she was thinking about and I wasn't going to stop her; I needed her too much. I basically just lay in my bed, in that bed that I had never shared with anyone else before, and I let her love me. I don't mean that I was an idle bystander. I simply relinquished control and I followed her wherever she took me. I still had too much pain inside; not physical pain, just some kind of deep ache running through my soul. I felt as if I was ready to leave, to stop the unfairness and let go, but Sam was there, trying to reach me, and I held on tight to her. She was the lighthouse that kept me from drowning.

Later that day, I made my best effort to show her how much I had enjoyed her taking care of me, how important she was in my life. After Jack took this route that takes him further away from us every day, Sam, Teal'c, and I have relied in each other for support. Sharing her body with me is the ultimate link that Sam could have forged between the two of us.

Then Janet died and nothing could have stopped us from reaching out to each other. Sam came to me, but I would have gone to her before long if she hadn't. We needed to cry for her together; we needed to cry because we were still here and she wasn't. I'm not sure I'd say we made love that night. We just clung to each other, fighting to cause one more sensation, one more physical proof that we hadn't died with our friend. I could feel the desperation consuming us and I could feel the hollowness threatening to devour us.

After I came back from Ascension, the second time, I was feeling disconnected again. I had pushed Oma to make up for her mistake and I kept feeling guilty about it, even if that one had been the only way to save my world. Nevertheless, I wasn't certain about why I had decided to come back. I could have stayed and enjoyed a peaceful existence until my death. I still wonder what comes after that.

I think I just couldn't let my people fight the battle on their own. It's not that my presence is going to make a big difference. It's that I prefer to fight than to stand by the side unable to influence the outcome. In any case, that night after I fell back to the SGC, I just didn't want to go home. I welcomed Sam's invitation to sit in her backyard and relax. It was almost the same as being back at Jack's roof, searching for stars. When Sam leaned on me and kissed me, it surprised me. I didn't think I was broadcasting a desperation signal as on the other occasions. Soon I realized that it was Sam who needed support. I didn't know the extent of her feelings for me then, but it would have helped me understand why she so desperately had to prove to herself that I was really back. I could feel it in every stroke, in every kiss, every time she crushed me against her body and held me there as if afraid of letting me go.

For a long time after that night, I felt that she wanted to talk about it or about something that had to do with both of us, but I was afraid of what that could be. When she finally told me, it deeply moved me. I couldn't understand that she would love _me_ and I was terrified that I'd never be able to give her what she needed. I didn't think I knew how to love her as she deserved, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt I had the obligation to try, because she was worthy of at least that effort.

It's been far easier than I thought. Actually it has entailed no effort. I've found happiness in the simplest of things, like sitting by her side while she softly pets my cat, the stray cat that I finally had to adopt before moving into her house. Or waking up in the mornings with her head resting on my chest and smelling the apple scent of her shampoo that lingered after the shower the night before. Or simply feeling her skin under my fingers, soft as silk, but warm as a welcoming hug from your best friend.

"Hey, Sam," I whisper against her neck. "It's not dawn yet; this is still our wedding night. What do you think if we-?"

"Yes," she interrupts me as she turns in my arms to kiss me. "Yes, that's a great idea."

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Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.


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